For this you will need a pocketful of small change and a newspaper.

First, find a suitable bus and climb aboard. Late-night buses are undoubtedly the best choice. Any destination will do, although I'd strongly suggest that you take an inland route as the river routes are usually full of migrant Dundonians who continually sing their national anthem, 'the folk in the schemes can kiss my foot, cause I'm a fo-oreman'.

Having found the right bus and climbed aboard, find an empty seat, sit down, and pretend to read your newspaper. Avoid using an out-of-date newspaper, as this might draw undue attention.

Fare paid and newspaper raised, you can now begin tuning your ear. Start as you did in stage 1, only this time there won't be any seagull 'Eh' sounds to distract you. Try to lock into a conversation that is going on near you. In other words eavesdrop. A mother and child conversation is best at first, gradually progressing in easy stages until you eavesdrop the ultimate conversation between 'Twa ald wiyfeez.' Once you have found yourself 'tuned' into the ultimate conversation, take

care not to let yourself become too engrossed in what the natives are actually talking about, or you might find yourself alighting the bus prematurely just to catch the end of a story. This is definitely not a wise move. Stay within the safe confine of the bus.

Stages 1 and 2 complete, you will have an ear that can pick out individual Dundonian words at a thousand paces.

Now to try it for yourself.



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Dundonian for Beginners - Written by Mick McCluskey - Copyright © 1990-2005
The right of Mick McCluskey to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

Illustrations by Belinda Langlands - Copyright © 1990-2005

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